'Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club' isn't worth visiting

Lindsay Lohan makes references to proper behavior on movie sets and dealing with directors in "Lindsay Lohan...

Posted: Jan 8, 2019 2:09 PM
Updated: Jan 8, 2019 2:09 PM

Lindsay Lohan makes references to proper behavior on movie sets and dealing with directors in "Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club," which seems odd, since if the one-time child star had more promising opportunities in that medium, she probably wouldn't be headlining this very by-the-numbers MTV reality show.

Having opened a night club in Athens, Lohan has expanded to a beach club in Mykonos. But that picturesque Greek setting becomes the backdrop for a pretty conventional, Bravo-style series, where Lohan enlists attractive young people to work at the club as bottle servers, hosts and bartenders -- functioning as "ambassadors," as she puts it -- to help prompt guests to spend their money.

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Almost every beat of "Beach Club," after that, is pretty generic, an exercise in banality of the classic "I'm not here to make friends" variety that's familiar to aficionados of the unscripted-TV genre. There is the self-professed "waitress slayer" (based on the number he claims to have bedded), the woman who proudly says she's in the midst of her "ho phase," and lots of shots, sometimes employing slow-motion, of tanned bodies.

"If I knew I was going to meet Lindsay, of course I would have put on clothes," one of the new arrivals says, which might make sense for a regular job interview, but doesn't necessarily comport with the priorities of the show.

For her part, Lohan plays the role of caring boss, while her creative partner, Panos Spentzos, volunteers to be the "bad cop." The actress is thus a sporadic presence in the introductory episode, and winds up being saddled with familiar dialogue (there's really not another word for it), like saying in regard to the young folk recruited to work for her, "This is not a summer vacation. To make it, you have to be the best of the best."

Mostly, "Beach Club" seeks to cash in on Lohan's name to garner attention while offering beachfront escapism -- a tried-and-true approach during the winter months, which explains why another fun-in-the-sun exercise, USA's revival of the dating series "Temptation Island," will wash ashore later this month.

Related: 'The Bachelor,' Golden Globes and the blurring of reality from 'reality'

As for drama, the "Beach Club" premiere contains a fair amount of squabbling, but the real promise of conflict comes during the "This season on" tease, which depicts several instances of people getting drinks thrown in their faces in the midst of heated disputes.

Such drama goes with the territory, but the best advice would be not to waste too much of that booze. Because for those who choose to become regular TV patrons of "Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club," odds are you're going to need it.

"Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club" premieres Jan. 8 at 8 p.m. on MTV.

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